?

Log in

i'll take your high society and douse it all in kerosene. [entries|friends|calendar]
i ate civilization and it defiled me.

[ website | ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[20 Feb 2016|04:14pm]
For anyone who may find this journal in the distant future, just had to share the news that keeps me laughing endlessly.

So Jei was never real. I am sure that comes as such a shock to everyone (read with aggressive sarcasm.)

I am okay. I am relieved. I am no longer a pillar of salt, no longer looking back. I don't think anyone will every understand, minus Geni: that despite relationships, marriage, an entire life here somewhere deep inside me was always waiting.

The first thing I did was rewatch all of CardCaptor Sakura and made a playlist with all of my old, favorite songs that reminded me of Jei. I can listen to my favorite things and watch an old, heartwarming anime without feeling the ache of loss.

It's fantastic.

This will be the last update I will ever have to make here.

Everyone: love yourself. Be your own hero. It's something I learned a long time ago.

And when you find out the single, most defining love was a complete lie, it won't destroy you. It will make you laugh; you will smile. All of the love I reserved for the invisible man on the other side of the world became mine to give to myself.

You guys: stay strong. Smile often. Love yourself fiercely.

Things will definitely be alright!
get down     (+ edit)

to revive momentarily [28 May 2008|11:22pm]
I lurk around the internet often and especially these journals. In the past, I would reread old journal entries and comments to try and piece together my past, my future, and try to figure out where they veered off the path I'd beaten for both of them.

Tonight I come here a graduate, a Freshman at Georgia State University, and a woman who does not want the last entry in this journal to be what it has been for way, way too long--a goodbye caught in repetition, stuck in waiting.

It has been nearly three years since my last entry, and three years since Jei left. It took me two years to deal with the fact he was not coming back, and although we never had final words, I have let him go. I don't know where he is, or what he is doing, or the reasons behind what he did--all I know is he has his reasons, and he lives with them: I hope he is all right, and more importantly I hope he is smiling. I hope he found his Sakura, because now, at eighteen (it sounds so young to me, even now, but given the circumstances I could type thirty and feel like that was more accurate) I realize I was never his Sakura. I was never Sakura. There is no Syaoran waiting for me in China--there is just myself, and a man who may or may not be my future, but who is with me now. I cannot forge my future based on the present. I can only look at my horizon, look ahead only, and walk forward.

Jei, I hope one day we can talk again. I hope one day you will comment on my Live Journal, or my facebook, and we can just catch up. I am not angry with you. I don't even necessarily want answers.I don't know if you left for any reason at all, or if you did what was best for me, or for you, but in the end I know it doesn't matter. I don't look back on what we were anymore, and I can break off the branches of the sakura and read TRC without thinking of you. But I still think of you, from time to time. You gave me the first taste of a love that I never doubted, even now. We had what we had. And it is over.

My whole life is ahead of me, everyone. I hope one day I can come back to this journal and say "tomorrow I am getting married" or "I am moving to Japan to continue a career with the embassy" or something adult-like and mature, grown up and solid. I don't know where it is my life is really going--only that it is going forward, and I have people that love me, cherish me, here in GA, in Washington, and scattered across America. Maybe even in the Philippines.

I am in love with this world and the people in my life. Jei carved a path in my heart another man now follows; he tends to the weeds grown in absence and silence, and replaces unresponsive letters with kisses to the forehead and his hips resting against mine in the middle of the night. He is my summer day.

I don't know where I am going. I don't know who is waiting for me at the crossroads. I only know I am at the helm. I only know that this path moves forward.

Things are great down in GA.

Things have been great for a long, long time.

Keep in touch.
everybodyget down     (+ edit)

[15 Nov 2005|07:36pm]
[ mood | my memories are vanishing. ]

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
"one alone of all i loved, i never had a changing heart!"


I found out why he hasn't been back. I'm happy for you, sweetheart, really. You always said I was the one who had their whole life ahead of them, but you're no different. I know you'll accomplish all you set out to do.

This is a formal goodbye because I couldn't concentrate. On my life. Grades are slipping and I keep changing; it's not pretty.

I probably shouldn't do this but it's a journal, right? I use mine at home but it doesn't feel the same. I told you I got a new one; I don't want to give out the username just yet.

Haha. It feels like I've already been forgotten. Or else, forgiven. Followed by forgotten. Whatever makes it easiest. I miss her. I miss a lot of you. But I'm ripping myself from here for my own reasons. I feel like my tongue is severed, typing out each word and vocalizing it at the same time. I was always redundant.

I sent him an e-mail and when I found out he was staying for schooling in the Phillipines I was so happy -- does anyone realize I sincerely thought he was dead? Or worse, pointedly ignoring me? Maybe I mixed those up. I feel like I've got nothing to lose because I've finally lost everything that's always held meaning. I was never Sakura, I realize that now. God knew what he was doing, birthing me March 25th. Meiling, you dog you. I called Meagan to tell her, got her voicemail. I started crying so I just hung up. I've never cried. It feels like I've really let it go.

It doesn't feel right.

None of this does.

And most of all, I'm not happy.

I hope wherever he is right now, I think as the sun is rising, .. just as it's setting here, he's alright. Zettai daijobu, something. Anything. I hope his classes are going alright. And I even hope he finds Sakura over there. I could never have kept him. This childs-body and mind. This Southern accent. This crazy hair. These sad eyes.

Part of me still isn't letting it go. I thought I could when I sent the e-mail. But it's still there, tugging (yanking, ripping at) my mind and something that feels a lot like my soul. It's telling me never to really give up; I'm older than I was when we met, I'm not going to stop growing. 20 and 26 looks a lot prettier than what the numbers fall out to now. 18 and 24 actually looks better to me.

There's a lot we weren't fair to eachother on; by existing, I wasn't being fair to him. He denied me his voice and his hands, so I guess it all equals out. No matter who I see and who is pulling me down for a kiss, I know where my heart belongs. I know where it's staying. It's here. It's always been here. I'll never be able to love him any less. I'll never be able not to mention Geni to Meagan. I'll never be able to read my World History book without laughing about Dru. I could never forget Jess or Rach. I marked Holli's birthday in my agenda book. What the hell for, not like I'll be around. I've never been where I should be. Why am I realizing it now? -- Now that I've pushed
everyone away?



God's this murky light in the distance. Or is it Jei?




Why is the measure of love

always loss?

everybodyget down     (+ edit)

hiatus. i got a new journal. [05 Nov 2005|01:51am]
natural law - wanting to say everything without second thought. without restriction. the writer and the poet, the future english-major and the college girl interested in learning instead of having a morning-after in which she can't remember 8PM-onward of the night before. the despair and insanity, blood and loss and love and confusion. the coming together of god in the eyes and seeing the moon as flesh instead of earth-matter.

societal law - the grin-and-bear-it smile that's usually never really a smile at all. dispassion and wanting him to come and save you. the way you look at yourself in the mirror, scrutinizing. that cookie you didn't eat for dinner. the oversized books you carry to school. the living to die philosophy. the dying. the dead.


and then the lines blur.
everybodyget down     (+ edit)

un-deleted. [31 Oct 2005|02:53pm]
hiatus.

voltaire was neither liberal nor democrat. [30 Oct 2005|07:00pm]
I wasn't going to, but I can't let go just yet. Just like me, you know? Just like me. ;]


Homecoming, After party and Costume Party. LE PICTURES.Collapse )


I probably won't update anymore. Happy Halloween everyone; stay safe and warm as our little spinning world dissolves in the onslaught of hurricanes and other pre-apocalyptic signs. ♥

Sorry, I think they may be a little big. I didn't edit them as per usual.
everybodyget down     (+ edit)

who here, could ever understand? that the pumpkin king with the skeleton grin would give it all up-- [19 Oct 2005|08:50pm]

i was looking up amanda chambers in google because i got tired of thinking about the greco-roman civilization.

my new best friend came up:

everyone say hi to amanda. ;]

everybodyget down     (+ edit)

two years. [19 Oct 2005|07:44pm]
[ mood | digressing. ]

i contributed to the tragic love stories of the modern age:

i wore pink and green today.

 

but though I have looked everywhere,
I can find nothing
to give myself to:
everything is

magnificent with existence, is in
surfeit of glory:
nothing is diminished,
nothing has been diminished for me.

everybodyget down     (+ edit)

[18 Oct 2005|04:57am]
I think my genius lies in the fact I never do what's really best for me. But who's to say, you all know it's relative. What was God thinking?

This Life business is weird.
everybodyget down     (+ edit)

YOU NEVER CALL BABY WHEN YOU SAY YOU WILL. [17 Oct 2005|05:30am]

Geni is forcing me to make an update about her.

;]

FlNlS [5:29 A.M.]:  YOU WERE IN THIS DREAM I HAD LAST NIGHT
FlNlS [5:29 A.M.]: 
AND YOU WERE COMPLAINING HOW WE NEVER CALL EACHOTHER ANYMORE
FlNlS [5:29 A.M.]: 
AND THEN VOLDEMORT AND I HAD THIS HEAD-ON COLLISION AND HE SO TOTALLED MY CAR.
chocobo race [5:29 A.M.]: 
...............

The Seven Years' War didn't make sense to me.

Big news, by the way. I got in to Governor Honors and I go to interview at County level November 3. If I make it there and then again at a second interview at State level I go to Valdosta Unversity for six weeks this summer. That God the PTB think my little musings constitute as quality writing (LOL). It is Georgia, afterall.</font>

5:30. I guess I have somewhere to be.

What's everyone up to?

everybodyget down     (+ edit)

something i said to my ap world teacher the other day, [13 Oct 2005|08:08pm]
 FlNlS [8:04 PM]:  I asked him for change and he says, "Do I look like a man who would carry small cash?" I'm like, "Well, I figured you'd want to be consistent. - looks to crotch.-"
everybodyget down     (+ edit)

in every man's memory i find that certain liberty. [13 Oct 2005|02:14pm]
[ mood | es amasne meam? ]

I would liken you
To a night without stars
Were it not for your eyes.
I would liken you
To a sleep without dreams
Were it not for your songs.

everybodyget down     (+ edit)

I AM SICK. AGAIN. [30 Sep 2005|06:57pm]

I wish you really would come take care of me. I'm starving. I'm fossilized.

I also smashed my laptop. xD School got on my last nerve and 'manda had some pseudo-nervous breakdown. No worries. They're sending me a new one, clean slate, music/picture-less and most importantly virus-less. Just have to wait three weeks.

I've got to get a card for his birthday. I have such a bad fever.

I wish I had that anti-Midas touch. Anything gold I put a hand to would turn in to life.

There's a lot of people I miss but I can't decide right now if it's worth admitting. The measure of love is always loss. I think the fever is breaking. Time for Stearns, ta-ta Palmer and hello Mistah Miller. The men that will never abandon me and are only existing to teach. Only existed to teach.

They don't snore at night, and so they are the perfect bed-time companion. They never have anything new to say so arguments are easily won. I don't think they get too mad when I threaten toset themn aflame in a glorious bonfire to prove my resistance and stick it to the man.

The fever's worse. I need a really cold hand on my cheeks and a hot kiss on the forehead. Let's not forget strawberry sherbet and the promise that despite how swollen my eyes are and how stuffy and man-like I sound,

you'll love me.




- sneeze. -

everybodyget down     (+ edit)

weapon raid. [27 Sep 2005|05:51am]


I believe in love like wings and all those angel things, even now.

Fall's coming and this time last year I swore I was infinite and now look, I'm so much more finate. You get older and things don't slow down, it's not like it's written and even though you've known it all along it doesn't end so much with true love's kiss. No, your soul already married the one it wanted and now you're here with leftovers; it should be necrophilia the way you touch him when you both feel nothing and your souls are already off wine-dining with wedding bells along side God and his one-less rib army of men.

It's only love but you were always a sucker for the unattainable. And now you're the cynic, now that he's gone somewhere you can't reach. Now you'll marry your Palmer textbook or the Latin words because they will never fail you, the unchanging history and a terminal language. They will never leave you, the groom that promises something a little longer than tomorrow. They bring hope that something will remain even when you're the history.

I don't feel you here. I live in empires and chemistry, exponents and Luther's theses. Surround yourself in books and submurge in essays and maybe, maybe you can forget for a little while.




This is bigger than a fatal attraction.

It's always bigger than you and me.


You left and stole away all my pretty words. Come back to me so I can think easier and sleep a little later on the weekends.



that was how a heart breaks.

steel rod down on my spine just so i don't back down. [27 Sep 2005|04:44am]

I liked it better when I knew the math between us like miles and minutes.

I liked it better when the map-quest directions didn't dissolve into confusion and loss.

everybodyget down     (+ edit)

don't you wanna go for a ride? just keep your hands inside-- it'll feel so good you could cry. [25 Sep 2005|09:07am]

I would be the one to be up an hour or so before anyone else. I walked in to the living room and found Chance and Cody under Ariel and My Little Pony blankets with their boots parallel to where they're snoring soundly. Snoring loudly. And not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse.

We got in about five hours ago, and crashed. I was awake, used to the no-sleep, but in the end I knew I wanted to be fully awake when Monsieur Erik!Phantom sang this afternoon.

Rascall Flats was amazing; we were on the highest tier. I've never seen so many rednecks in one gathered place. The ride there was four hours; the concert didn't even last that long. xD God saw that it was good. Everyone would whip out their cell-phones and call their little significant others to have them listen to the sweet songs, and I'm sitting there 1: with no cell-phone, 2: kind of SO-less. But the wave and falling streamers was enough to make me forget.

So now I'm sitting, fresh out of a shower, waiting for everyone to wake up.

I could cook breakfast.

If I could cook.

everybodyget down     (+ edit)

park who? [23 Sep 2005|02:41pm]

PARKVIEW: 3 -1

BERKMAR: 4 - 0

 

'Manda's painting her face up right now. Tonight's game is going to be amazing. If we beat Parkview, ..

 

After tonight you won't see my bum online for a few days. Going to miss me? ;] Rob, post back. Geni, I love you. Filiz, lay off the Inu-crack. Jess, I love you.

And Jei?

Come home.

 

 

 

everybodyget down     (+ edit)

it's a little trite. [23 Sep 2005|04:42am]


I hoped that he would love me,
And he has kissed my mouth,
But I am like a stricken bird
That cannot reach the south.

For tho' I know he loves me,
To-night my heart is sad;
His kiss was not so wonderful
As all the dreams I had.



S'usually the way that goes.

Rascall Flats (in NC!) Saturday, getting home around 3/4AM and then heading to see the Phantom of the Opera at the Fox. Expect me back if I can ever catch up on work and sleep. I need to find out information about Marie Curie.

And o. Anyone good with HTML? Tell me. I have an FCA website you can help me design.
I'd ask Bryan but he hates me again. xD

If Jei gets back this weekend, I'd choke a ho.

Other than that,
everyone, have a happy day.



p.s.: i figured bolding was the only way to get anyone's attention. ;]
everybodyget down     (+ edit)

CRITIQUE ME. [22 Sep 2005|05:15am]

 

read this and give me pointers. mimi, you too. dru. geni. filiz. everyone. it's due tomorrow.Collapse )

everybodyget down     (+ edit)

YOU ASKED ME SWEETLY, PLEASE GUARD THE MOON ALRIGHT? SLEEP SOFT SLEEP LIGHT. I WON'T BE BACK TONIGHT [20 Sep 2005|05:46pm]

2. chemistry
A school subject that teaches the alert young anarchist how to make primative explosive devices.

everybodyget down     (+ edit)

[17 Sep 2005|05:22am]

Type "(your name) is" with the quotes, into Google and then search. Then pick out your favorite 5 few responses. Copy, then repost your responses:

Socks on a Rooster: Manda is Four!

Manda is a smiley 43-year-old who was born in Manchester.

Manda is also a retired greyhound.

Manda is marching with the other monsters for the final battle with the Kilaaks.

And my favorite,

I have to admit, life is a lot easier now that Manda is potty trained.

The Manda is surmounted with multiple ubija Raggiana Bird of Paradise plumes.

Manda is the leader of all snakes and was summoned by Orochimaru and Kabuto.



People will one day realize that an admission of love is not at all always beautiful and definitely doesn't twist the body's internal orgrans in to spin cycle. It's nothing to be confident about, it's nothing to fantasize about. Just give me my ALG II book and find some other girl.

I did really appreciate the Jasmine Tea, though.

everybodyget down     (+ edit)

keep hands inside the vehicle. [13 Sep 2005|07:25pm]

the weirdest email i can claim to my name is one that's begging to no less than six oral surgeons for any teeth they have extracted.

and this is probably the initial response:

latex gloves, $4
dull razor, $3+2 years worth of rust
twine rope, $5
untreatable psychological damage, $100 worth of counseling
strange, signature quirks, e-mailing to the learned men of oral surgery for their teeth.
on your way to becoming a serial killer?

priceless.

 

P.S. for collegeboard.com, my username is omfgwhee. i think i lost acceptance points with ms. mason when i gave her my login information.


everybodyget down     (+ edit)

so take me somehwhere new. [11 Sep 2005|01:19am]





the poet is one step closer to things.
that is why we can trust them -
they get near to where we want to be.




you were never mine to begin with
and i have no intention of letting you go.
everybodyget down     (+ edit)

[07 Sep 2005|05:11am]

Is it blasphemy if, during Communion, you think the bread is stale?

everybodyget down     (+ edit)

vale vale [05 Sep 2005|01:50pm]
Dear Jei,




Thanks.

Love,




p.s. yes, i'm aware my mother is a milf. thank you. ♥
everybodyget down     (+ edit)

you never slow down, you never grow old. [04 Sep 2005|06:58pm]
welcome to georgia:

i'm a real boy.Collapse )


"I'm a tranquilizer.
I'm effective at home.
I work in the office.
I can take exams
or the witness stand.
I mend broken cups with care.
All you have to do is take me,
let me melt beneath your tongue,
just gulp me
with a glass of water.

I know how to handle misfortune,
how to take bad news.
I can minimize injustice,
lighten up God's absence,
or pick the widow's veil that suits your face.
What are you waiting for -
have faith in my chemical compassion.

You're still a young man/woman.
It's not too late to learn how to unwind.
Who said
you have to take it on the chin?

Let me have your abyss.
I'll cushion it with sleep.
You'll thank me for giving you
four paws to fall on.

Sell me your soul.
There are no other takers.

There is no other devil anymore. "
everybodyget down     (+ edit)

ice age [01 Sep 2005|09:08pm]
[ mood | giggly ]

           

                    you're a bad boy

                    for breaking my heart.

everybodyget down     (+ edit)

capital and labor [01 Sep 2005|07:31pm]

A whole afternoon field inside me from one stem
  of reed.
The messenger comes running toward me,
  irritated:
Why be so hard to find?

Last night I asked the moon about the Moon, my
  one question
for the visible world, Where is God?
The moon says, I am dust stirred up
when he passed by
. The sun, My face is pale
   yellow
from just now seeing him
. Water: I slide on my
   head and face
like a snake, from a spell he said
. Fire: His
  lightning,
I want to be that restless
. Wine, why so light?
I would burn if I had a choice. Earth, quiet
and thoughtful? Inside me I have a garden
and an underground spring.


This world hurts my head with its answers,
wine filling my hand, not my glass.
If I could wake completely, I would say without
   speaking
why I'm ashamed of using words.

-Rumi (Furuzanfar No. 1692; trans. Coleman Barks)
get down     (+ edit)

name's women [31 Aug 2005|07:08pm]
[ mood | worried ]

O Lord,

look at New Orleans.

everybodyget down     (+ edit)

coppelia's casket. [30 Aug 2005|06:24pm]
miss t:

i hope you're feeling better.

more than words,
miss s.k.
everybodyget down     (+ edit)

back in time for lunch with the jovial friars [25 Aug 2005|04:01am]
[ mood | modern. ]

"e vegno in parte ove non e che luca."
CANTO IV


He left in darkness and she

found him in the light.

She gave up the one she loved for the one who loved her and

now she can only pray that the sun eclipses

when he pushes against her


hard


and pushes her mouth down then up over his that,

it's dark.


And then he'll be inide the one who holds her, all earth

and foreign

and it will be his name in her mind

and his skin that she's touching and his

breath

on her neck

and afterwards when it's quiet

when the blonde filters through where that black used to be

she can close her eyes

and let him go

all over again.


he'll be inside the one who holds her.
and then he won't be.

and on the marble
meaning silence
and in the sun
meaning silence

love misplaced

she'll

she'll know no one else
and
on her fingers and in her arms when she sleeps at night there's the only reminder she needs that says

"faithfully

his."


I took up a religion called Love and then so suddenly there came a Second Coming. Love's Great Rapture. Love's great rupture. It shook my foundations and rattled the cages where all the beasts slept, all the sins sans Hope. I know what it means to sacrifice and I was the martyr, never bleeding never bending and never backing down. I took his hand and said this is okay this is right and when I turned to the moon watching her fade in the omnipotency of the sun

light

I knew there he was watching and I knew there he would always be. My heart and my life and the only one and the one my soul mated with a long time ago when God was ripping ribs and tearing down Gardens.

So I walked down the aisle, the bride to be and on my way to Love's Inferno for the greastest crime of all

I remained

faithfully his.

And took the other's ring

said my vows

and in the nightlight where he left me

I took Love's dagger

and remained,

only

his.



p.s. actually, i'm more of an eliot girl.

everybodyget down     (+ edit)

ps [14 Aug 2005|12:19pm]
I miss him so much.
everybodyget down     (+ edit)

hey said "used to be so" [14 Aug 2005|09:03am]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

I don't believe in beauty ending lessening dying

it just becomes unchanging

and can't keep up

with modernity.

everybodyget down     (+ edit)

verbals. [09 Aug 2005|03:02pm]

She makes me want to gag myself with all those pretty gritty witty words that leave me shaking by the end of class.

English is the only aphrodisiac.

everybodyget down     (+ edit)

nee watashi wa kimi ni nanika wo nokoshite ageru koto ga dekita kana? [09 Aug 2005|04:28am]

The Solid Snake:  these really depressing "sponsor a child for a dollar a day" commercials should be played more often so that suicidal teens will go "hey, my life isn't all that bad. im gonna go ride a bike"

So for two days straight I smelled like rain sweat and people. Welcome to GA! And welcome to the 05-06 school year, where confidence reigns and difficult classes abound.

It left me feeling invincible.

Sunday I went to Six Flags with Onii-Adam in the rain. Everyone to their sixth generation was there -- and when it came time for the downpour, money-less Adam and I ran to the Great Panda where everyone in the park seemed to want egg rolls and Mandarin chicken. Lol. We stood there for nearly and hour to spend the only money we had ( two dollars ) and use one of the coupons for a free chicken egg roll. xD We both had about 20+ dollars before entering the park, but we bought a Q-bot --- WAS WORTH IT. Deja Vu was open before the rain came rolling in and I do believe I found my favorite ride. I mean, who doesn't enjoy zooming backwards at 75MPH, 200ft high?

I'm hoarse from all that nonsense though. I know all my teachers think I've probably smoked since I was 2 and have emphysema setting in.

Yesterday was day uno of the el school business. I hopped online at 4AM to see if maybe Jei had gotten in yet -- or gotten online at least. But here was Geni and Dru! I thought about them both all day.

Which by the way was madness. School is going to be different this year, but with all my mixed-level classes, it should be something changing. Altering. Which is why I'm slowing down. This time last year I wrote the entry about being infinite, and I wrote it about moving fast through this part of my life. But you can't do it that way and it took me a while but I've realized it now. Not only would I be immature, like pre-birth where the babies are born and their veins are showing, but I wouldn't be alright with it. I wouldn't be alright with myself.  And I only want to give my best self to the future.



P.S. I love you, Kiyomi. And Geni. Geni baby, I love you, too.
everybodyget down     (+ edit)

kaze no you ni nagareru no nara kimi no soba ni tadoritsuku deshou. [04 Aug 2005|12:24pm]
[ mood | invincible. missing jei. ]

The humidity outside is staggering. And Fran-e looks so beautiful in the Berkmarian Walls. She should transfer. Mhm. We all need a ghetto highschool to call our home.

So.
       PD1  Honors Latin II, Boone
       PD2  Chem. Gifted, White
       PD3  AP World History, Edmondson
       PD4  Alg. II Gifted, Jackson
       PD5  Junior Gifted LA, Mason
       PD6  AP Euro. History, Jameson
       Patriot Time ( I liked Advisement better ) with Brooks.

Lol. I figured they'd kick me out of AP from what I got on my National Exam. SURPRISE SURPRISE. 'MANDA IS A SURVIVOR.

ANYONE HAVE AN IDEA FOR A SCIENCE FAIR TOPIC? ;[


everybodyget down     (+ edit)

sou koukai nado hitotsu mo shite nai no. [02 Aug 2005|10:35am]
ai ga sabishisa wo tsukuru koto

shiranakucha otona ni narenai no


Don't leave me
 alone anymore.

 

 

I'm a lot more worried then I'd ever let on. I think of twisted metal and twisted love.


   SCHOOL IN SIX DAYS. Welcome to life, Sophomore 'Manda.

P.S: I come bearing ICONS.
everybodyget down     (+ edit)

extremeties. [24 Jul 2005|04:36pm]

You walk in to this house knowing you can't touch anything; like moving the setting on the AC would bring about apocalyptic conseqences, or eating the apples means profanity cutting staight to the heart. It's the simplicity of this house that makes it heavy, too deep and startling, like a shaken animal or a wide-eyed deer, You caught me.

In the summer the stillness of the house is momentarily shattered -- the ice breaks and falls in sheets and you stand up a little taller, breathe a little deeper. Your stomach busts on all sides, you're the glutton with sunflowers in your hair and geranium on your wrists. You're living and the coolness can't reach you. The wings are white and the halo is a polished silver.

It's never cold enough here. Still you'll never thaw.

And you'll never be the same again.

get down     (+ edit)

ONII BO BONII: [21 Jul 2005|03:21pm]
You Are Strawberry ice cream
A bit shy and sensitive, you are sweet to the core.
You often find yourself on the outside looking in.
Insightful and pensive, you really understand how the world works.
You are most compatible with chocolate chip ice cream.
con te partiro.Collapse )
everybodyget down     (+ edit)

holding out for a hero. [07 Jul 2005|09:39am]
[ mood | GIGGLY. AHAH.ASA. ]

      Matt75patriot [9:25 A.M.]:  hello gorgiopus

      ^not the best pickup line. I'll pray for him.



Does anyone know if Matt Newton actually graduated this year?

Yoga time. We did the Moon ( I miss my mother )-Sun-Star poses last week. Getting a little more intune with my inner self everyday!

everybodyget down     (+ edit)

stand beside her. [05 Jul 2005|02:06pm]

the sky erupted like it was coming.Collapse )
everybodyget down     (+ edit)

stolen from dru who stole it from geni who djskds. [05 Jul 2005|08:15am]

1. name: 'Manda.
2. single or taken:
It's like I'm engaged. Haha.
3. sex:
Femme.
4. birthday:
March 25th.
6. siblings:
The Peanut Gallery; Andy Adam and Dru.
7. hair color:
Too blonde.
8. eye color:
xD "MOUNTAIN STEAM BLUE." Thanks Chance.
9. shoe size:
9 1/2 - 10.
10. height:
5'-6-7 or 8.

r e l a t i o n s h i p s
1. who is your best friend?:
God.   Geni, Jei Meagan & Chance. I may not always be happy with them, but I'd do antyhing for them.
2. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?:
If he didn't incinerate in a plane crash on the way to the Philipines. ;T

f a s h i o n s t u f f
1. where is your favorite place to shop:
Duh. Borders, Barnes and Noble and Booksamillion. ;D
2. any tattoos or piercings:
Yeah, ears.

s p e c i f i c s

1. do you do drugs?:
No.
2. what kind of shampoo do you use?:
Aussie. Don't use it. Thermasilk is much better.
3. what are you most scared of?:
Not meeting my expectations. Hurting him.
5. who is the last person that called you?:
Probably Chance.
6. where do you want to get married?:
As long as they let me have a candle-lit service--
7. how many buddies are online right now?:
It's 7:30 AM. --- 11.
8. what would you change about yourself?:
Nada.

f a v o r i t e s

1. color:
White   Pink&Green.
2. food:
This tuna concoction I make after Yoga.
3. boys names:
Duh.
4. girls names:
I'd name her December.
5. subjects in school:
Lit. Ask me when I'm in college.
6. animals:
HORSES.
7. sports:
Softball. Riding. Archery. Fencing.

h a v e y o u e v e r
1. given anyone a bath?:
;]
2. smoked?:
No.
3. bungee jumped?:
Not yet.
4. made yourself throw up?:
Tried to. Back in my off, I don't need to eat stage. I was ten. Ridiculous.
6: ever been in love?:
Yes. No past tense.
7. made yourself cry to get out of trouble?:
No.
8. pictured your crush naked?:
;]
9. actually seen your crush naked?:
;[
10. cried when someone died?:
I'm going with Onii on this. I cried when Toboe from Wolf's Rain died. Like a 'tard. It was the music, and there was something in my eye.
11. lied:
Lol.
12. fallen for your best friend?:
I think when I was 6 I tried to just because I thought it would make it dramatic. But his last name was Whooper. --- Yes.
13. been rejected?:
Probably.
14. rejected someone?:
Matt Newton. ;[
15. used someone?:
I hope not.
16. done something you regret?:
No.

c u r r e n t
clothes:
My booty ( MEAGAN WOULD BE PROUD. I'M USING THE LINGO. : HAND GESTICULATIONS. : ) sleep shorts and whife beater. I'm kickin' it up Suthurn style.
hair:
It's soaked and dripping in my face. Duh. In a clip until it dries.
music:
Frou Frou and Chopin.
make-up:
My eyeliner from last night is smudged from the shower.
annoyance:
Pride.
smell:
My hair in my nose, the conditioner sticking there like a bad disease. Roses. Some body lotion. Jeioran.
favorite group:
Momma's Gone Saggy and the Boondocks.  
desktop picture:
Onii, you made it sound like porn. xD ------- Some default. I just rebooted my entire system a bit back.
book youre reading:
Written On the Body - Jeanette Winterson. Interview with the Vampire - Anne Rice.
in cd player:
Don't own one of those archaic things. Haha.
in dvd player:
.. Don't own one of those either, xD CCS: Sealed Card.
color of toenails:
It's some kind of pearl pink. Iradescent. Fits me.

l a s t  p e r s o n
you touched:
Chance or my Father.
hugged:
Dad.
you imed:
Andrew.
you yelled at:
;] Haven't lately.
you kissed:
There's a moment lost in time. Jei.

a r e | y o u
understanding:
Unless my overly biased-ness gets in the way.
open-minded:
I think so far out of the box I'm usually always wrong.
arrogant:
Not so much. I'm servile.
insecure:
Not so much.
interesting:
Try confusing.  I want some tuna.
random:
Onward ho with impulse. Definitely.
hungry:
Still want that tuna. -- I wonder if Jess is alright?
smart:
Not stupid.
moody:
I have a range between retarded and Andrew-emo.
hard working:
When it comes to art, I'll sit at my desk for hours. But not otherwise. Relationships, writing. I work on those.
organized:
I figure, if I can find what I'm looking for in this lifetime --
healthy:
I'm a health-freak. I'd go Vegan if  I didn't enjoy meat so much. Then again, what would be the point of incisors?-- Can't attack a cabbage.
shy:
Depends on my confidence level for the day. Today? Yes.
difficult:
Let's just say I'm assertive with what I want.
attractive:
Not overly ugly.
bored easily:
No. Lol. If I can claim one thing to my name, it's an imagination. I stare out for hours like the cliche blonde.
messy:
My hair is messy.
obsessed:
Jei, round about meanings, and trying to raise my standards. Trying to elevate myself.

R A N D O M
In the morning I am:
-- I am.
all I need is:
Reasurence.
love is:
Naivete, Onii? Probably. But I'd rather have it and be happy for an instant and feel like the fool later then never. I'm getting to that point. I'm getting there. Love is moronic and mis-guided adoration but it makes things seem beautiful. Is beautiful. Love disregards the standards people live by, race and ethnicity, age and even gender. (If you think about it that way, what was God thinking? ) Miracle and condemnation.
I dream about:
The other night, I had a motorcycle license.

o p p o s i t e s e x
what do you notice first:
How they carry themselves. Build. And then the smile.
last person you slow danced with:
Chance. In Wal-mart. To the bagbipe music.
worst question to ask: 
"Why did this have to happen?" "
who do you have a crush on:
Jei. Haha.
who has a crush on you:
I'd hope my boyfriend.

d o y o u e v e r
sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to come on?
I have.
wish you were a member of the opposite sex?:
I like having brains, thanks. ;]
wish you were younger:
-- And even farther away?
cried because someone said something to you?:
When I was younger. From my father. Then from Aaron. "It was stupid to think, .."

n u m b e r
of times i have had my heart broken: 
When I think I could've done better for him. Then that first time, Lol, with Aaron. That just hurt.
of hearts i have broken:
I HOPE PLENTY. --- xD None.
of girls ive kissed:
2.
of guys i kissed:
Enough until I'm married.
of continents i have lived in:
This grand US of A.
of tight friends:
Five. Or four, if I want to be honest.
of cds i own:
Close to zilch.
of scars on my body:
They'll heal. People are pretty amazing, aren't they?

F i n a l Q u e s t i o n s
1. do you like filling these out?:
Yeah, but I know people didn't like having to skim over it. Haha.
2. gold or silver:
Silver. Always.
3. what was the last film you saw at the movies?:
Batman Begins. Wow @ Bruce Wayne.
7. favorite cartoon/anime?:
I am really enjoying Samurai Champloo. -- Cardcaptor Sakura.
8. what did you have for breakfast this morning?:
Sour Starbursts.
10. who would you love being locked in a room with right now?:
Onii's a 'tard. -- God. Or Jei. Lol.
11. could you live without your computer?
Of course. It's a nice pasttime.
12. would you color your hair?
Yeah.
13. could you ever get off the computer?:
I'm about to when this survey is done.
14. habla espanol?
Si, muy pequito.
15. how many people are on your buddy list?:
93-something or another.
16. drink alcohol?
I have.

everybodyget down     (+ edit)

[30 Jun 2005|12:01am]

This isn't heaven. It's life.
You don't have to be perfect.



maybeThis is where the soul begins. Sleep is rapping in morse on the door; you have to invite him in. The gardenia the moon dropped for me bloomed and lay pinned to the wall withering, like La Lune in her vestal livery behind the storm clouds that roll in every evening. It's getting easier. To breathe. I'm not too good with my words but I know what I have to say do you ever know what needs to be said to make everything alright?

Feeling like you've got nothing to lose. When you really have everything. It's all relative.

You're all so beautiful.

It drifts up and out in every stretch during the morning classes. Drop the knee and extend your palms up, balance, keep your back straight, .. Then there's the forgetting when the sore grabs up in to your muscles a day later. Not different from him riding, the woods a blur and the downpour a necessity. Sometimes I need to not feel you, either. I'm not going to apologize for it. I won't regret what I've done. The change, needed change. I'll tell you, the Yoga-soreness doesn't compare, or me stubbing my toe for the twentieth time today on my free weights. It's something different that runs around and peeks through the blinds, trips you down. This is where the soul smiles and reaches from behind you, arms wrapping around tight. There's a hum ( the chorus of your favorite song ) and then she'll say:

"These are precious things.

So hold on a little longer."


everybodyget down     (+ edit)

do stem cells cause cancer? [29 Jun 2005|10:28am]

More going on here than just you and me.

They're really beating the entire, "the baddie thing to do is hurt people; it's never for the right" bit in to the ground. Batman Begins has the same undercurrents as X/1999 and probably so many other films. Like a new Genre.

Bad for one doesn't mean bad for another, and it's the same concept behind war. Our enemy condemns us as we condemn them, because as they come to kill our men, so do we their's. In the end "right" and "wrong" are simply

nonexistent.

So what does a thing like Government, Society, Law and Justice stand on?

everybodyget down     (+ edit)

good night good night SURELY SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN [29 Jun 2005|12:34am]
[ mood | indifferent ]

so tonight i hope

did you really think that it was over and did you ever think that it'd be too much i can't leave without saying good-bye so did you really think that you could take it could you make it alone tonight inever could've hoped for anything more be my angel if you can alright say baby did you sleep an hour for me i wish i was there right now i wasn't going to tell you I could change things i'm afraid i'll never will no how but i don't really think that i can take it will I make alone somehow so hold me in your arms before I leave you i'll be back as soon as time allows find me here and reach for me close your eyes you're beautiful when your sleeping what we've got is something special what we are is a perfect pair and 800 miles will never come between us it means i'm sorry you are the light that's leading me to the place where i find peace again veni veni venias you are the strength that keeps me walking amabo te semper you are the hope a i shi te ru you are the hope that keeps me trusting you are the light in to my soul you are my purpose you're everything to me we are not together here we are not here years from now i'll cry to remember how very close we were and knowing this will i reach for you the wait you've always wanted me to i apologize i can't be anything more i'm in love and i'm losing i never sleep no you never sleep anymore things matter so much so will you marry me? did you know you're so beautiful on the edge of summer there's a song that's inside of my soul it's the one that i've tried to write over and over again now i'm awake in the infinite cold but you sing to me over and over again so i lay my head back down I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS OR THE NIGHT SKY "i want you by my side" he whispered the rain replaced heated conversation warm kisses he went limp against her barely breathing and she listened over the thunder for him his heart beat playing her song his lungs taking in their chorus she touched his scalp with her light pink nails and he finally sighed "i won't leave you" his voice slurred as she pulled his hair a color like her own through her fingers I'm jealous. Of the sun for warming you, the summer rain, wind in your hair. I'm jealous of the girl that walks past you every day, the guy that nods to you in the hall. Your car seats, toothbrush, mud on your tires and in your clothes, the shirt over your back. I don't want to be just so I could exist somehow in each of those. Because I'm hopeless. Without. kono me mitsumete watashi no namae wo yonde mite hoshii no kono te nigitte daijoubu datte unazuite hoshii no kono se wo oshite janakya arukitsudzukeraresou ni nai no uso nara semete hontou no uso saigo made tsukitooshite i cried never going to hold the hand of another guy.





i missCollapse )
everybodyget down     (+ edit)

when i give i give myself [27 Jun 2005|09:02am]
[ mood | selfish ]

If I didn't have you that would mean the mosaic pieces of me would be chipped and crumbling. It would mean I lost touch and I lost out. It would mean the Bible verses became a little more difficult to read through, and zettai daijobu was just a phrase in Japanese that was hard to pronounce and even harder to live by. It would mean every song was you and every dream I had was your shadow. It would mean you were on the night air that seeps in through my windows and you were in the summer rain that came rolling in a clap of thunder and a spark of light every evening. It would mean I was left without anything to say, like now, lost and deaf mute and dumb. Rambling on. Losing you would mean losing speech and any art I could claim to my name, with you came the inspiration. Like fake gold or tarnished silver, like split ends and taking a drink from a broken glass. I don't have you. Where did all the pieces go?

And what on earth have I done?


Because this is how I'd do to apologize if you'd listen. And this is how I'd do to have you back with me. But I'm in the wrong I'm in the wrong I did the wrong.

  Maybe I need more time before I confuse you anymore.


      Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy.
      I know not what I've done.



But I know here, I know it's going to be alright.      

I'd kiss you a thousand times to forget, make you forget. There has to be someway where I could have you never doubt. But this makes sense, too. Maybe this was the way people have to let go for something better. Confrontation leading to the change I know was needed before there would be nothing left to salvage. Because of where we were heading. I just didn't intend on this hurting more than the original jealousy envy and distrust.

You'd think after the first time you'd realize never, ever cry over love because it's such a beautiful thing, even when it's falling apart or fallen apart or even just confused or shaken. A little bruised and you just need to kiss it's forehead and wait for it to open it's arms back up. I know what I want and I know what I want to do. But what's right? And who's to say?

I'm not old enough to be anything more than distance and spur of the moment decisions. And by the time I am you won't want me anymore.

It would be easier if I could believe that.


In the end, everything will be alright. I just hope I have the strength to do what's right -- and above all what's best.

God, give me courage.

Be my angel if you can, alright?


P.S. I don't know her, but there was a woman at church in front of me yesterday that has lost a lot more than I have ( which makes this entry really bratty, but I wanted to write it ) and I'm praying for her. I prayed over her, with a group, and it's a feeling like you'd never believe.

Church never used to be an ephemeral experience. Love can really break you down.

And it's worth it.

You're worth it.

everybodyget down     (+ edit)

resolve and thou art free. [21 Jun 2005|07:24am]
[ mood | sorry ]

Beforehand, forgive lack of tastefulness and my unruly appearence. I've basically just woken up (I don't even have a bra on), gotten high by that sharpie from doodling this on a random shirt that I slipped on over my pajamas all to make a little statement:



---------------------------

---------------------------


Yes, via__crucis is now on HIATUS.


If you notice, I do not look happy. I have some things I need to work out. I'll definitely keep reading, so everyone keep writing. And now, at 7AM, I'm going to go take a shower and see Batman Begins. The Dark always did it for me. Haha.

There's just parts of me I don't even know. So back to God to pull through. I'm praying for all of you.
everybodyget down     (+ edit)

if you can't love me no one can. [20 Jun 2005|06:33am]

Last night I watched her sleeping.           .. Last night, as he was sleeping,

I thought, ..            I noticed:

How, ..            How --


And it's really awkward. It's not giving up. It's trying to find something better here, between us; trying to drag it up. Like finding God on a stormy night, like having the gravel in your knees when you pray. Something necessary. Is that what this is? I want to be gray with you, but you need to make sure first. I'll be here when it's over. If it's ever over. Somehow I have to believe I can still wait. You can't feel my hands from here. You can't feel anything anymore.

And sometimes I can't feel you.

Can someone, ..           Can he --

Be so beautiful?           Snore so loudly?
everybodyget down     (+ edit)

i saw aerith again. [19 Jun 2005|09:47am]
Catching Dinner Chocobos.
everybodyget down     (+ edit)

gin blossoms and a summer sunburn. [16 Jun 2005|06:19am]


             i've got a mind

             full of wicked design.


   Time to let love leave.


hitori ni natte hajimete
wakaru koto ga ookute.
everybodyget down     (+ edit)

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]