i ate civilization and it defiled me. (via__crucis) wrote,
i ate civilization and it defiled me.

to revive momentarily

I lurk around the internet often and especially these journals. In the past, I would reread old journal entries and comments to try and piece together my past, my future, and try to figure out where they veered off the path I'd beaten for both of them.

Tonight I come here a graduate, a Freshman at Georgia State University, and a woman who does not want the last entry in this journal to be what it has been for way, way too long--a goodbye caught in repetition, stuck in waiting.

It has been nearly three years since my last entry, and three years since Jei left. It took me two years to deal with the fact he was not coming back, and although we never had final words, I have let him go. I don't know where he is, or what he is doing, or the reasons behind what he did--all I know is he has his reasons, and he lives with them: I hope he is all right, and more importantly I hope he is smiling. I hope he found his Sakura, because now, at eighteen (it sounds so young to me, even now, but given the circumstances I could type thirty and feel like that was more accurate) I realize I was never his Sakura. I was never Sakura. There is no Syaoran waiting for me in China--there is just myself, and a man who may or may not be my future, but who is with me now. I cannot forge my future based on the present. I can only look at my horizon, look ahead only, and walk forward.

Jei, I hope one day we can talk again. I hope one day you will comment on my Live Journal, or my facebook, and we can just catch up. I am not angry with you. I don't even necessarily want answers.I don't know if you left for any reason at all, or if you did what was best for me, or for you, but in the end I know it doesn't matter. I don't look back on what we were anymore, and I can break off the branches of the sakura and read TRC without thinking of you. But I still think of you, from time to time. You gave me the first taste of a love that I never doubted, even now. We had what we had. And it is over.

My whole life is ahead of me, everyone. I hope one day I can come back to this journal and say "tomorrow I am getting married" or "I am moving to Japan to continue a career with the embassy" or something adult-like and mature, grown up and solid. I don't know where it is my life is really going--only that it is going forward, and I have people that love me, cherish me, here in GA, in Washington, and scattered across America. Maybe even in the Philippines.

I am in love with this world and the people in my life. Jei carved a path in my heart another man now follows; he tends to the weeds grown in absence and silence, and replaces unresponsive letters with kisses to the forehead and his hips resting against mine in the middle of the night. He is my summer day.

I don't know where I am going. I don't know who is waiting for me at the crossroads. I only know I am at the helm. I only know that this path moves forward.

Things are great down in GA.

Things have been great for a long, long time.

Keep in touch.
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