"one alone of all i loved, i never had a changing heart!"
I found out why he hasn't been back. I'm happy for you, sweetheart, really. You always said I was the one who had their whole life ahead of them, but you're no different. I know you'll accomplish all you set out to do.
This is a formal goodbye because I couldn't concentrate. On my life. Grades are slipping and I keep changing; it's not pretty.
I probably shouldn't do this but it's a journal, right? I use mine at home but it doesn't feel the same. I told you I got a new one; I don't want to give out the username just yet.
Haha. It feels like I've already been forgotten. Or else, forgiven. Followed by forgotten. Whatever makes it easiest. I miss her. I miss a lot of you. But I'm ripping myself from here for my own reasons. I feel like my tongue is severed, typing out each word and vocalizing it at the same time. I was always redundant.
I sent him an e-mail and when I found out he was staying for schooling in the Phillipines I was so happy -- does anyone realize I sincerely thought he was dead? Or worse, pointedly ignoring me? Maybe I mixed those up. I feel like I've got nothing to lose because I've finally lost everything that's always held meaning. I was never Sakura, I realize that now. God knew what he was doing, birthing me March 25th. Meiling, you dog you. I called Meagan to tell her, got her voicemail. I started crying so I just hung up. I've never cried. It feels like I've really let it go.
It doesn't feel right.
None of this does.
And most of all, I'm not happy.
I hope wherever he is right now, I think as the sun is rising, .. just as it's setting here, he's alright. Zettai daijobu, something. Anything. I hope his classes are going alright. And I even hope he finds Sakura over there. I could never have kept him. This childs-body and mind. This Southern accent. This crazy hair. These sad eyes.
Part of me still isn't letting it go. I thought I could when I sent the e-mail. But it's still there, tugging (yanking, ripping at) my mind and something that feels a lot like my soul. It's telling me never to really give up; I'm older than I was when we met, I'm not going to stop growing. 20 and 26 looks a lot prettier than what the numbers fall out to now. 18 and 24 actually looks better to me.
There's a lot we weren't fair to eachother on; by existing, I wasn't being fair to him. He denied me his voice and his hands, so I guess it all equals out. No matter who I see and who is pulling me down for a kiss, I know where my heart belongs. I know where it's staying. It's here. It's always been here. I'll never be able to love him any less. I'll never be able not to mention Geni to Meagan. I'll never be able to read my World History book without laughing about Dru. I could never forget Jess or Rach. I marked Holli's birthday in my agenda book. What the hell for, not like I'll be around. I've never been where I should be. Why am I realizing it now? -- Now that I've pushed
God's this murky light in the distance. Or is it Jei?
Why is the measure of love